Leviathan (2014-04-06 03:02:18)

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How long have i read to you? Dam, it feels like forever. You lay there innocent. You dont even know whats going on. You just sleep. I kiss your cheek. Your blonde hair covering one of your eyes. You look so beautiful. Lucy, i will miss you. I get up. The dark moon shining in through the window, making the room seam dark and scary. The dark grey walls didnt help. I walk out. Leaving you in the now locked room. I swallow the key, after the fifth attempt. You woke up at sound of the gun ing. You read the note i left on your night stand. It reads: "Lucy... I love you. I always have, and always will. But this isnt because of you. I cant take this anymore. I want to be with you forever. Forever and always, right?... I want to fix this. But i can't. Its me or both of us. I love you. Remember that."

As the tears fell on the paper, she let out a gasp. BANG!. She knew what had happened. She felt no emotion. She couldn't feel. There wasnt sadness. It was empty. Nothing. She got off the living room couch. tried to open the door and it wouldnt work.

She heard rustling on the other side. "He's alive." she thought. She grabbed a chair and threw it at the door. the door broke just enough for her to finish the job and get it. To find him. Dead. With the gun in his hand. And his entire middle portion mutilated. And the bullet hole was in his head.


"Lucy, What is wrong?" Charrlotte asked her, at school the next day. "nothing Charrlotte.." They kept walking. Charrlotte stopped. She grabbed a pair of scissors out of her school bag, and held them to lucy's neck. Lucy gasped, and Charrlotte said, "He was Forsaken Lucy sky. Don't poke around where you don't belong." Lucy's eyes widened and she started crying. "Lucy!" Charrlotte was in front of her. Staring in shock at her mortified best friend. "W-What?" Lucy trembled. Then she collapsed.

She dreamed she was in a dark room. No doors, one window.
It was stone. Like a jail cell. With a girl sitting in the corner opposite her. Lucy knew her name was Karen. She got up and went and sat next to her. The girl cried. She had a gun. She lifted it to her mouth. Lucy tried to stop her. But she was holding the gun now, and was pointing it in her own mouth. On the other corner where she first sat was a figure. Cloaked in a black robe. Its hand Streched out as if holding an unvisible gun. "Go on." The man acted as if pulling the trigger on his invisible gun. And Lucy mimiced him. Then she woke up.

If you like where this is going, tell me. Ill write the rest.

I use real people that i know in my stories. However, what they do has no relation to real life events. For Example, I am not in love with Lucy. But her charectar was partly inspired by her, and partly what i call "My Lucy" which is something i have called love since before i met Lucy.

Charectars:
Lucy(Alima)
Charrlotte(DeadlyPuppy)
The guy who shot himself(Me)
Karen(Karen12 i think)

This post has been edited one or more times, the last time was:
2014-04-07 09:21:30

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Leviathan (2014-04-07 01:52:55)

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Man, F u. F u for hating you dip.

Jk, i will change. Should i write the rest?

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TREEhugger101 (2014-04-07 04:26:29)

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This isn't eighteen plus. I posted gory murder fiction on here and didn't even mark it eighteen plus.
Also, I have no idea what's going on in the story. You aren't descriptive nor specific.
To be frank, this piece of writing makes me sad. Work harder next time, and no, don't write the rest of the story if you're going to make it as half-assed as this is.

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Leviathan (2014-04-07 05:53:07)

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Change your attitude.

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Leviathan (2014-04-07 19:56:57)

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I will write more. Do you have any stories i may view to help and see how to be more descriptive?

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TREEhugger101 (2014-04-08 00:50:03)

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Hey, ask for criticism and you get criticism. I'm sorry if I come off as rude but a lot of my friends that take writing seriously would've been much harsher.
I speak the truth.
Anyways, I recommend reading books by Cory Doctorow or Laurie Halse Anderson.

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LaughingJill (2014-04-08 01:45:26)

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^Writing a story isn't easy.

I'll say I've improved a lot over the year, but some things that still hold me down on writing is just not getting the notices that I deserve.

I've probably made 20+ stories and very few of them actually turned out well.

But still, put some work into it and try to be descriptive. There is a thread on this forum made specifically on how to write a story. It's stickied.

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Leviathan (2014-04-08 02:03:10)

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Thank you Jill. And If your friends offered hostile critisicm using the words "half-assed" id tell them to change their attitude too. Learn from jill and solar. Im only just starting out.

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TREEhugger101 (2014-04-08 02:03:31)

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^I know full well writing a story isn't easy. I've written at least ninety stories and only ever completed two.

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LaughingJill (2014-04-08 02:30:10)

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Tree is my friend and I respect her opinion because everyone has one.

We are free to express ourselves however we please because it's a second nature to human beings.

We criticise others only because there's a reason. The world isn't just cute and fuzzy.

The actions do not make a man, and a man does not make himself. But the man makes his choices which in turn makes him the man he can be.

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Leviathan (2014-04-08 03:33:22)

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I stand my ground, my point is valid. Even if hes your friend.

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LaughingJill (2014-04-08 03:34:18)

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Tree is a she.

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TREEhugger101 (2014-04-08 04:45:34)

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I think everybody thinks I'm a guy because I have a Killjoy Spider as my avatar.
But, anyway, Leviathan, what point are you talking about? The fact that you ask for criticism and then whinge about it when it's delivered? 'Half-assed' literally just means 'you didn't try hard enough'. It isn't 'hostile criticism', it's an opinion. Like I said, I'm not even being harsh by reviewer standards.

This post has been edited one or more times, the last time was:
2014-04-08 11:47:06

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Leviathan (2014-04-08 05:01:39)

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No. my point is, That i asked for criticism not insults. See what solar beam said? he told me i could do better, i should describe more, and otherwise he liked it. as opposed to you, saying that it made you sad and its half-assed writing. If you would like tomoffer your help, be nice about it. Im ending the conversation here. If you continue the arguement i will contact a Moderater. Good day.

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Leviathan (2014-04-08 07:43:05)

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Flux,i appreciate the critisicm. But you forgot three thing. 1. Tree was throwing insults. Rather critisicm. By your review i can tell that your not trying to come across as rude, rather a stern review. 2. Im doing this on a 3DS. You have to understand that its incredibly hard, tedious, and time consuming for one with ADHD and restless legs to write properly puncuated sentances. On computer im better. 3. I am writing a book. I am currently writing a book that has received much praise from active readers who have reviewed it. So i assure you; I am capable of writing. Only problem is, i am used to using instructional writing, not horror, so its seeming a bit sloppy. Another thing, If you would like to continue, please refrain from just insults. No. My writing is not Half-assed. Half-assed implies capability of writing a horror story, but am being lazy and not doing it right. the correct(and slightly less offensive) term is mediocre. And if you are going to reply purely to say im a childish writer andn am wrong, and tree ois right; i will endd the converse like i did him. It is igniting arguement and causing conflict.

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