AllieKat (2014-08-23 05:13:05)

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It was dark. Not the pitch black of a room, but the dark grey of a thick woods in the middle of the night. Growling and moaning could be heard coming from the left. From the right, branches moving, the sound of someone running through the underbrush. They were being chased my the moaners, the zombies. Coming into a clearing, the moon shines on her brown hair. She looks young, 15 or 16. She turned in a circle to evade a coming zombie and the ends of her hair are visible. The ends are pink. A zombie came up behind her, silent. Her jade green eyes flashed, and the zombie was down, a knife on the girls hand. She spun again, then stopped. She found what she was looking for. She ran, seemingly towards a nearby zombie, and jumped at the last second, placing her hands on its shoulders. She became airborne, and reached for the nearest branch. She grabbed it and pulled herself up. "That was close," she murmured under her breath.
She then began to climb. After five minutes of climbing, she was resting on a high branch. The branch was thick, and reached out farther than most. The clouds parted, and the moon filled the scene with a liquid silver light. The night was cold, and the moon illuminated the frost on the grass and trees. The girl stood. Now, in the light, her clothes were visible, instead of a mass of swarming shadow. She was wearing black skinny jeans, a green-olive colored shirt, and a black scarf. She was wearing a black, leather jacket that had a hood made a a dark grey sweatshirt material. She was wearing brown, mid-calf length leather boots, and was wearing a black backpack. She walked out as far to the end of the branch as was safe, and pulled a short bow off of her shoulder. Is was sleek, made of dark oak. She pulled an arrow out of her sheath, notched it, aimed, and shot. The arrow flew true, and hit the nearest zombie in the eye. She continued to fire off arrows until she was out. Thirty six arrows were fired. Thirty five hit home. There were twelve zombies left, all clustered, now, at the base of her tree. Slinging her bow back on her shoulder, she prepared to jump off the branch. Just as she jumped, arrows came flying out of a nearby tree, slaughtering the last if the zombies.
"Who's there?" The girl yelled into the dark, turning towards the source of the arrows. A silver throwing knife whizzed just past the girls ear.
"What's the big idea?" The girl screamed, infuriated. The clouds took this moment, one of pure silence and expectation, to cover the moon. A figure jumped from the tree into the clearing, encompassed in shadow.
"Why don't you turn around look?" The figure whispered, the voice belonging to a female. The girl turned, and she saw it. A large spider the size of a husky, with the head of a wolf and fangs two feet long. It had been stalking her. The zombies where just a distraction. The girl kicked the carcass in frustration, realizing the quick work the the thing could've made of her.
"Who are you?" The girl asked. The figure brought its hands up slowly, cupped her palms, and conjured a bright, burning mass of energy that illuminated her face. She had green-brown eyes, and a three inch scar across her left jawbone. Her hair, only a Seer could describe. It was dark and light at the same time. Is was a swirling mass of brown, dark brown, and red that reached her waist. She was wearing dark skinny jeans, black combat boots, a black studded belt, a Fall Out Boy t-shirt, and a black leather jacket. She had two katanas in a back sheath, a bow on her shoulder, and a waist sheath full of silver throwing knives. A hatchet hung from her belt.
"Y-you're a Raleigh. Tyla, I think," the girl stuttered.
"Indeed. I am Tyla Raleigh, one of the two main Seer houses. Who are you?" Tyla, the girls savior, asked.
"I'm Isabella Belinza, but you can call me Isla," proclaimed the now confident girl. It was obvious Isla was proud of her well-known name. She was a master archer, and had opened her own archery school at the age of fourteen.
"Well, Isla," Tyla said, "let me teach you something important about these spider creatures." Tyla walked over the the quivering carcass, Isla behind her.
"You see, the silver holds these creatures under a bond. They cannot move as long as silver touches them. The only thing that can truly kill them is fire." Tyla then cast a fire spell upon the creature, retrieving her knife before the fire touched it.
"Now that we're done here," said Isla, being slightly awkward, "I'd invite you back to my camp, but it was overrun with zombies and ransacked by dark dwarves."
"You can stay with me at my camp," said Tyla, " but be forewarned, I lost track of my family during the Splitting. It's just me for now."
"That's fine," said Isla, " I've been on my own, so company would be nice, no matter how many people it is." They then began to walk. Quickly, quietly. After two hours of walking, Tyla stopped. She began making symbols, hoping Isla would understand. She did. Danger. One person. Big. Powerful. Dangerous. They crept slowly forward, completely silent in the dark. Then, a voice.
"I know you're there. All I wanted was some food. I've been on the run since the Splitting. Come out now, and we'll solve this peacefully. Don't worry about your wolf, either. He's fine," the voice said, soothingly.
"Wolf?" Isla asked Tyla, nervous.
"I'm an animal tamer. It's quite alright," she said to Isla, then to the entity, "No weapons, no trickery, no mind reading."
"Alright, no mind reading," the voice said, almost hesitantly. Tyla and Isla then made their way slowly into the clearing of the camp. There was a tall, bulky figure by the fire.
"Hello," he said, smiling devilishly, "I'm Nash."

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MeNobody14 (2014-08-28 13:08:07)

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So many mistakes. So, so many.

"They were being chased my the moaners"
Typo.

"a hood made a a dark grey"
Typo.

"She pulled an arrow out of her sheath, notched it, aimed, and shot."

First off, it called a "Quiver", not a "Sheath". Sheaths are used for swords and knives. Second, it's called "Nocking" the arrow to the bow, not notching. Third, it's "Releasing". Not "Shooting". Shooting is for guns.

"A large spider the size of a husky, with the head of a wolf and fangs two feet long."
Two feet would stick out far past the jaw, making it virtually impossible to chew. To put that into perspective, two rulers put together longways is two feet.

"She was a master archer,"
That doesn't know squat about archery.

"You see, the silver holds these creatures under a bond."
What silver? If your talking about the knife, Knives are generally made out of steel, iron, or titanium.

Review:

All in all, the story was cliche at best, a confusing tale at worst. You should work on your punctuation, narration, and story. If you spent as much time thinking about those as you did what kind of weapons each character has, this might actually turn out well.

This post has been edited one or more times, the last time was:
2014-08-28 20:14:11

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