Tachikoma (2014-10-27 11:36:34)

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So, I went looking through my files again today and found a little draft for a story I was working on a few months back. If possible, please read and give me constructive criticism. Thanks. It's a story based on my Phantasy Star Online 2 character, was originally going to be a little test.

ARiSE 01 moved hastily towards the large, heavily armed vehicle. It’s eight front guns aimed at the unit, firing all the ammunition the machine had loaded. Each shot was poorly aimed, skimming past her or ending up not on target. Alba Hawk in hand, she soared into the air. Missile Launchers opened up from their slotted compartments, and reared their barrels towards the gliding CAST. They locked on and fired, a blazing flurry of smoke and flame trailed behind the projectiles. Switching into Evasive Mode, ARiSE’s thrusters in her leg compartments booted up. Speeding up, she planted her hands firmly on the missile in front of her, pushing herself over it while sending it crashing into the ground. Her thrusters eventually cut out, causing her to come crashing down onto the only flat platform on the large tank. The fall was softened by a forwards roll into a stand. Her Hawk gleamed with neon blue light, detecting that a larger enemy was nearby. 01 made out a hand. Then an arm. Then a torso. Another arm and hand. And finally, a torso and head. The head wasn’t detailed, as you could tell. It only had what appeared to be optical sensors. What was more detailed though, was the weapon systems in the arms. Two fully automatic machine guns, advanced sensors and last but not least, fully working rotor systems. All of this was analyzed in several seconds. The machine roared, giving itself life. It looked down at the small humanoid android. It then pulled its arm up, roaring with motion one last time. It slammed the cold fist down on itself, attempting to crush the unlucky ARKS operative below. The fist stopped just before it hit the platform. ARiSE fought back, holding up the Gunslash to the fist, keeping it up with all of her strength. Using the remaining power her systems had, she veered backwards, letting the hand crash down. She then jumped up on top of the fist, racing towards the guns. They opened fire, damaging most of the unit’s armour. A stray bullet hit her “head”, but she was lucky it didn’t damage any vital components. After all, CASTs are essentially androids. She sliced through both guns, carrying her velocity up vertically by climbing the body. She reached out for the shoulder, gripping onto it and pulling herself up. Looking down, she notices the other gun aiming. Again, she hastily moves, and ends up barely sticking to the back of the head. Her legs dangled near a panel on the back of it’s head.

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takahata101 (2014-10-27 19:51:51)

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I like it its pretty interesting and can go alittle farther if you plan on turning it into a series. Make the characters talk to eachother a bit bringing in the sense that its not just quiet between them even in combat.Whats her goal and tell me the determintaion that she has to reach it. But all in all i like it a great start to my reading of your stories.

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Tachikoma (2014-10-27 20:32:25)

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Haha, thank you, Taka. This is 25% of the final first chapter. I will finish this, and go into more detail regarding other characters being introduced and more scenarios being thought of as combat isn't easy when taking into account several characters and how mental status is going to push through. I don't want the team to have a fight and be all like "oh yeah we won", I want them all to be mentally affected by it, in some way.

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Tachikoma (2014-11-24 17:00:35)

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I'm bumping this, due to BirdJesus proving a point that TOO MANY trollpastas are flooding stories and creepypastas. There's the trollpasta wikia for a reason.

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