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the guy who drank too much coffee
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little5 (2014-11-23 21:30:24)I was gonna read it all, but then I skimmed and saw "Justin Beiber Sheek".
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(This story is just in first person. None of this really happened.)
One beautiful saturday morning, I was woken up by my alarm and started my usual routine. I got up, made some coffee, read the paper while drinking a cup of coffee, got my lunch for school ready while drinking my second cup of coffee, too a shower while drinking a water proof coffee, got dressed while drinking my 4th and 5th cup of coffee, played pokemon for a while, drinking a 6th cup of coffee while making more, studied while drinking my 7th cup of coffee, took a dump in the toilet while drinking my 8th cup of coffee, then finally, waiting outside for the bus while drinking my 9th cup of coffee. Since all that coffee made my perception of time temporarily jacked up, it wasn't until noon that I realized that ut was saturday. I must have looked crazy waiting out there for a bus that would never come.
I went back inside, not having a clue what to do. I started my school day routine because I had forgotten to turn off my morning alarm. I decided to go back to bed. Bad idea. When I did so, the coffee gave me the strangest dream.
There I was, sitting outside in a large field of wheat, wondering where the hell I was. I heard a strange noise that seemed to come from all directions. A sudden burst of fear devoured the very essence of my soul. I slowly turned around. I saw him. Standing in the distance. I tried to convince myself it wasn't who I thought it was since it was too far away for me to know. As he slowly walked closer I knew that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. It was the very person I feared it was.
There, standing just 30 feet away from me now was Justin Bieber Shrek. It was like a shrek, but combined with justin bieber. It was the most horrifying thing I ever had the misfortune of being born into the same universe as. I slowly closed my eyes and accepted my horrible fate. The justin bieber shrek grabbed me in his arms and whispered....
"You have been banned from r/anime "
...wait... What? I didn't understand at all. Suddenly the entire dream shifted. I was now standing on a boat. The boat was made out of brownies. I walked over to a barrel made of brownies and opened it up.
"Heyyy mannn"
A hippie was inside. I opened more barrels and more hippies were inside them. Now I knew not to eat the brownies. I chilled with them for a while. They summoned radio head with a bunch of weed and a few animal sacrifieces. The free radio head concert was amazing.
"Wow, you guys are really chill."
I said to them.
"Oh, you haven't seen anything yet. Heheheheh...."
Suddenly a bunch of death metal music came out of nowhere. They all smirked maniacally. Their eyes started glowing read. They all tore off their jackets, revealing coke shirts. Every single person was wearing a shirt that had the coke logo. I guess they liked that soda? Wrong.
One of the dudes there brought out a cooler and opened it up. Pepsis. There were pepsi in the cooler. I thought this was just some sort of sick joke at first, but to my horror, everyone grabbed a can and opened it up.
"Hail satan."
They all said before starting to take a drink.
"Wait... No... Guys.. This is WRONG"
Suddenly radio head turned into nickleback. They started playing really loudly.
When I thought it couldn't get any worse, kishy walked up to me. On her stomach was one of those televisions the telletubbies had. It was playing season 12 episodes of spongebob. I started to vomit. Thus was just too much.
"I hang out with these guys all the time."
Said Kishy. I looked up at her in shock.
"What.... YOU?!"
"Allll the time..."
She repeated. She then started making out with senator Tom Cruise. When I woke up, I immediately jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. I was throwing up like crazy.
Since all the coffee I drank an hour ago made me lose my memories of the morning, I restarted my daily routine, not rememberibg that it was saturday. I repeated this so many times that I had drank 420 cups of coffee. I spent three years running around the town, hallucinating like crazy. When I finally snapped out of it, I woke up wearing nothing but hello kitty underwear and a braw. One of my eyes had turned dark gray. There were strange symbols drawn all over my arms and legs in sharpie.
I got up and looked around. It was pretty dark, yet I could see the sun in the middle of the sky. I could looked at it withiut my eyes burning. I looked at the people. Nobody was moving. I eventually realized what was going on. Everything was now moving in slow motion.
Suddenly, a large sphere of red static sitting on the horizon had caught my attention. I ran to it. When I finally got right infront of it, I started hearing thousands of strange whispers. It was the whispers of the many people where were frozen in this strange world I had created. The ringing in my ears became so loud that my vision became foggy. I fell to the ground while a mysterious force dragged me into the sphere.
"I'm surprised you were able to detect my presence, human."
Said a distorted voice comming from everywhere at once.
"No... I am no longer human. I've mutilated my own perception of reality as we know it."
"Your former body is now mine, human. You will switch places with me."
"No."
"Oh, I'm not giving you a choice now."
I spent five years unable to see, hear, feel, move, etc. Finally, one day I saw a light. I was now in the body of a little girls stuffed animal. Whenever the little girl came in the room and played with me and all the other stuffed animals, I was sometimes placed by a window. Looking out the window, I could see all the other humans outside, interracting with each other like I once was able to do.
However, something wasn't right. The humans looked different. Their faces were all deformed. They didn't look human at all. One day the little girl came into the room and put her face directly infront of mine. She too was deformed. What the hell coukd have happened?
"I know it was you, Brandon. You are the one who did this to everyone."
I was in shock. I had no idea how she could have known. She pulled out a flame thrower. She was going to burn me.
"Good. Now I can die and no longer be trapped in this stuffed animal body."
I thought. Suddenly, behind the girl, a face peeked into the room through the door. It was the guy in my former body. His eyes were glowing red and he had an evil smirk. He dashed into the room with a large hatchet. He split her head right in two. He then looked at me.
"Are you Brandon?"
I wasn't able to respond, being a stuffed animal and all. He got frustrated and left the room. That was the last I had ever heard from anyone.