"

Time and time again, I raced to the restroom under threat of imminent soilation. The first gas-liquid hybrid mix formed a column of frothy liquid that exited with such force and prejudice that I was nearly thrown from the toilet seat. My exhausted muscles could push no more, but by this point, no pushing was required. Like opening the spillway of a dam, the gates must merely be opened, and a jet of high-pressure liquid flowed freely. With each new sloughing of the bowels, a handful of brightly colored faces would float to the surface, mocking me. Their tiny faces filled me with such despair, it nearly broke my spirit.

Now, several hours into the ordeal, the bloating became extreme. My innards distended, morphing me from a sweet-tooth-satisfied young man to a whimpering, pregnant husk of a creature. With visible engorgement of my abdomen and fearing dehydration, I called in backup. Two angels arrived at my door with Gatorade. Yes, the elixir of electrolytes slaked my thirst and drove back the demons of dehydration… but adding more liquid to this situation was not the answer.

A dozen more times, I returned to pay homage at the porcelain alter. Each time, something was released. I can only assume, based on the feelings, that it was fresh, white-hot magma that flowed from within. By this time as well, the gas-to-liquid ratio was thinning, producing a frothy, fetid, fecal spray. My brain conjured images of Diet Coke – I’m sure that my posterior looked like a re-enactment of what occurs when a Mentos is dropped into a two-liter bottle. The same brown mix of gas, liquid, and artificial flavoring was spraying from my backside, albeit with perhaps three orders of magnitude more force.

Finally, the siege upon my anus ended. Sweaty, exhausted, and with quivering legs, I finally felt the confidence to release a single, miniscule fart. Jaw set in concentration, I summoned the last of my strength to raise myself on my left buttcheek. Freeeeeeep! It squeaked out – at last, a release of pure gas with no attendant liquid. A lump formed in my throat; my eyes teared. It was finally over."